I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
