i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
