Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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