I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
