my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
