A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
