i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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