My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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