I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
