He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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