I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
