and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
