Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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