This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
