Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
