exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
