It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
