i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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