wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
