I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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