I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Randomize
