Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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