enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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