I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
