it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
