So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
