i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
