they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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