Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
