When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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