Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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