I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
