he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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