Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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