umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
