Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
