everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
