Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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