Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
