I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
