Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
