Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
