dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
