I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
