you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
