I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
