Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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