The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
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