apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
