I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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