What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
