Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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