did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
