hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I will pee on everything he values.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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