Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
