DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
