i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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