i think my tv is drunk
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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